I am angry. Those words are not something I say very often. When I do I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, broken, or feel as though I cannot take another step.
There are two areas in my life that I can say I have been praying over for years. One being my career because finding a job that aligns with my passion along with a good salary has been difficult. The other is having a healthy relationship that leads to marrying a man who is perfectly made for me. (Look, I have to be specific in my prayers.)
In August, it appeared as though everything was coming together. Actually, I remember walking into my coworker’s office and saying to her with excitement “MY LIFE IS COMING TOGETHER!” Then in what felt like the blink of an eye, everything fell apart. I closed my outpatient business and the guy I was dating fell off the earth. Like literally, we went from hanging out regularly and communicating daily to… silence.
I was angry; I turned into a child having a temper tantrum. I cried, kicked, screamed and negotiated with God. But like a stern parent protecting and showing his daughter love He stood firm on His answer of “NO.” Being told “NO” or “Not Right Now” is difficult to hear especially when you have prepared and worked hard for a moment.
It’s funny how disappointments can be so unexpectant. Most of the time, “NO” comes at a time when you thought you would be hearing “YES.” And hearing “YES” catches you totally off guard because you are so used to hearing “NO.”
During a dumping session with a couple of my friends, I questioned why God would give me a taste of what I wanted only for everything to be taken away in such a short time. Out of anger, I said, “I am angry at God for allowing this to happen.” Their reaction to my statement was shock and astonishment. Their nonverbal expression hinted at, how dare you say that? My response? God already knows my heart. Verbally saying it does not change anything because He already knows.
I stopped talking about the situation because I was didn’t want to be judged. But it didn’t make the pain go away. I gave myself time to sulk. I figured if Jesus was down for three days and He was perfect it was okay for me to give myself a week. I tried to let go and pray through my anger but it wouldn’t go anywhere.
Because it wasn’t going away, I talked to my mentor. Instead of her judging me, she embraced me and acknowledged my feelings. She told me to let it all out. Holding anger in only makes room for resentment. She told me to write a letter to God expressing my anger. (Now, I was shock- faced). My mentor also suggested I finish by writing a response FROM God. (Once again, I was shocked).
That evening I crawled in bed with my laptop and began typing. My emotions and tears flowed out of me. I could feel my hurt, pain and disappointment leave my body. I bared my soul. Something happened to me as I wrote God’s response. As I researched Bible scriptures, I felt as though I was being filled up; it gave me a sense of peace and comfort.
I believe God wants us to be honest with Him. He knows and feels our pain. He knows your heart. He knows what incidents are going to cause you the most pain because He ordains them. Unfortunately, the pain was intentional. There was purpose in the disappointment. I am not going to lie and say I have clear understanding regarding why He allowed this to happen. All I know is God protects us from the known and unknown. I just have to believe and trust that everything is working out for my good.